There must be something I’m good at just that I do not know what that is.

I’m a drifter wandering from one station to the next. It’s like walking aimlessly around shopping malls. Waiting.

Maybe I should run away though the probability of that materialising is as good as me running for presidency.

I’m uninterested, uninteresting, uninspired, uninspiring.

An email entitled “What a modern woman wants” piqued my curiosity. How would a 15-year-old girl (the writer) perceived what we want? Perhaps it was because I had the time to spare or curiosity got the better of me, I read the story.

“She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money,
Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and
her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down.”

Not everything, my dear Amanda.

If all our wants can be listed down succinctly, there would not be so many listless women paying hefty fees to attend self-discovery courses, subscribing to fashion magazines to keep to the most desired style, longing for the lives of their favourite movie/drama characters. I can safely say, not every modern woman knows what she wants. Many are faced with the dilemma of being the prescriptive modern woman or following our own heart’s desires.

Some would think at my age, I would know what I want. Let the truth be told, I don’t. Not always.

That doesn’t mean I’m unappreciative of my life and the people in it. In fact I enjoy my days and on the exceptional few days, I grumble about my lot. But that doesn’t fall out of normality. Most people behave like this. Just that, at the back of my mind, a little voice (maybe the id) will mock carelessly,”Is this it?”  And remind me of my secret fear of spending my entire life anonymously as a subdued, unknown entity.

I wish I’ve the answers. Until then, I shall exercise patience and intuition.

I’m not young anymore.

A close friend, Chyan, is getting married in less than a month. I feel it’s so brave of her to take on the next step in life. What are the signs that prompt one to begin a married life with a significant other?

How do you gauge the certainty of a decision? The probability of your partner as a lifetime companion and soul mate?

Marriage is unlike excel, where absoluteness, certainty, accuracy, risk and possibilities can be calculated with logic and functions. The decision to marry is based as much on intangibles as well as tangibles. Intangibles such as compatibility, love and kinship. Tangibles like financial sounding and a drawn-up future.

I admit I’m not romantic idealist. I see marriage like the way I analyse balance sheet and profit & loss statement.

After I’ve ascertained a candidate as a lifetime partner, what goes next will be the detailed anaysis. Family background, personality, calibre, wealth – assets. Liabilities are of course, crucial to the equation. Goodwill accumulated with my family and closed ones are essential. How we can manage our differences and enhance our relationship – cost savings and synergy. Whether we can bear the adversities in life and share the joy. Can we support a family and welcome future little ones?

The last question that remains to be answered is, “Have I made a right decision?”

Like every eager shareholder, we’ll have to wait for the year-end profit.

~ Moon River, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

This song makes you want to believe in the simple wholesome goodness of life, again.

Several summers have rolled by. We’ve outgrown our colourful flip flops and comfy washed-out shorts. The sandbox laid forgotten at the bottom of the garden. Like a relic from a summer adventure.

Disappointment creeps into my veins and diffuse in every cell. With life. With the way I’ve watched things happened like a nonchalant bystander. With the moments I’ve hardened my heart and spoke with an acidic tongue, oblivious to the people I’ve hurt. With the impulsive moments, I’ve acted like a tactless fool drunk in my own anger.

Nonetheless, the joy of life is not all closed to me. The unexpected surprise of finding a bowl of steaming thick red bean soup after a weary day at work, snuggling into my familiar ufo, chancing upon a book title I’ve searched for ages, the sparkle of diamonds, the ecstasy of finding lost belongings, catching up with friends close to heart, a weekend with family.

For all the little things of the maker, I’m grateful.

After a sleep marathon from the previous night, I woke up as the first light hits my modest abode. 6.30 a.m. I pulled the heavy blackout curtains apart gingerly, careful not to stir my other two sound asleep sisters.

A soft warmth embraces the neighbourhood after a light drizzle. Only the slightest of the sun’s rays shine on the well-manicured lawns and bounce off from the gleaming cars in the garage. An occasional car or motorcycle travels on the winding roads that run through the rows of quiet houses.

Peace.

A cluster of sleepy dwellings awakes from a deep slumber to a cheery Sunday morning. I tiptoed back to my bed and snuggled deeper into my UFO blanket. It’s Sunday and I’m home. For the first day in the week, I can feel a smile tugging at the tips of my lips and a viscous warmth flowing through my veins like a cup of freshly brewed mocha, a bite of saturated dark chocolate, a bowl of home cooked mee suah, a pot of lotus soup with the goodness of love, a basket of clothes fresh from the laundry.

Home.

I lay on my bed, thankful to be home.

When the sun sets, I shall leave my cosy home for a room in the middle of nowhere. Until then, I am going to preoccupy myself with the planning of my Sunday a la carte menu.

最近我的生活有了一些小变化，还在适应当中。挨过了三年大学生涯，现在终于恢复了自由身。不用准备随堂考、不用再背甲乙丙丁的伟大功绩、不用写论文、不用每日紧追财经新闻。一个字：SHIOK!

进入无业游民第4小时，老二热情非常地向我嘘寒问暖。所谓无事不登三宝殿，我识趣地跟着打哈哈。果然不到3分钟，老二收敛了笑容，面不转色地问：“你几时开始找工作？” 我瞪大眼晴，一脸错愕。小妹啊，你就这么迫不及待把我这头老牛卖掉吗？唉，我在心中暗暗叹气。我本来打算给自己放个短假才正式上职场拼搏。与其说是放假，不如说是认真寻找自己的人生方向。离开考场后的我对未来非常茫然。将来的路要何去何从？

在妹妹双眼急切的追促下，我只好硬着头皮，支支吾吾地答：“嗯……我其实想休息一个月。” 说完便认命地等待老二发落。人在江湖，谁能不挨刀？

只见老二的脸从青变白，由白变黑。二小姐她声音微颤，不可自信地说：“你竟—然要休息？！”　老牛我一脸羞愧，低着头数脚趾头。早在三年前，我们已开始规划将来毕业后，要搬出鸟笼自立门户，所以老二会怒发冲冠并不新奇。

虽知自己理亏，为了挽回那微不足道的面子， 我提高嗓子，大声反驳：“有些人考试后，出国毕业旅行。我只不过要求在家里休息一个月，比旅行便宜了几百倍，这样做很—过—分—吗？ ”老二也不是省油的灯，她的一句话足以让我语塞。“如果你想继续做衣来伸手，饭来张口的寄生虫，那就请便！”

后来屋价猛涨，房租也更着调高。在双面夹攻的情势下，我只好向现实屈服，乖乖提笔写求职信。

按一般常理，商业系学生的就业率相当高。尤其现在经济蓬勃，外来投资源源不断，大规模跨国公司纷纷在新加坡开设分行或区域总部，中小型公司也如雨后春笋般蜂拥崛起。可是我觉得学校教材与社会要求有所偏离。考试和实践还是不一样的。像我们这类乳臭未干的大学生给大家的印象一般上是：

1. 草莓一族。出生娇贵，学历高，注重面子，追求物质享受，吃不了苦，受不了气。
2. 初生之犊不畏虎。敢做敢为，年轻就是本钱。作风前卫，大刀阔斧，敢于冒险。然而冒险并不是孤注一掷，冒险必须能控制风险。善于冒险才是成功人士的本色。唯有具备高瞻远瞩的目光，才能快、狠、准地对中要害。
3. 便宜劳工。在缺乏经验和雄厚背景下，只好逆来顺受。
4. 千里马。伯乐识骏马，慧眼识英雄，有才识的人能被发掘提拔是无比幸运的。

我不美也不可爱，草莓党没我的份。我是超龄小牛，跑起步来还不如千里马的慢走。所以我是编号３，廉宜的可怜苦力。突然想起一对佳句来形容此刻的心情：　“孤立无援，双面夹攻，四面楚歌，八面来风！”　够强势吧？

唉，放马折腾我吧！

第一、美丑之谈

若是有人向你说：“老实说，你不美。” 别担心，那并不是世界末日。因为紧接着下一句可能是：“但你很有韵味”、“但你风情万种”、“但你体贴细心，温柔可人”，“但你像一瓶甘醇陈年老酒，让人回味无穷” 等等。

能摧毁女人自信心的致命伤是：“你真丑。”

第二、用适当的称呼

若是无法确认女人的实际年龄与身份，小姐（适用于年轻女人）或女士（适用于较年长的女人也可当作尊称）是比较理智的称呼。千万别擅自主张，给女人套上“auntie”、“大婶”、“阿嫂” 等不雅称呼。年龄是女人的禁忌。无故被人叫老了几十岁，再冷静的女人也会抓狂。

人们常说童言无忌，大人不要与小孩子一般见识。话虽如此，当事关于女人最敏感的课题时，有多少女人能一笑置之？

说我肤浅也好，年龄与容貌是绝大多数女人的禁忌。

所谓说者无意，听者有心。你随口说出的一句话可能让女人错拉警报。祸从口出，言多必失，说话也是一门学问。

女人啊，也许我们得学习放大胸怀，以宽大的度量闯荡江湖！

Without me adding on the literature, the bloodbath of Virginia Tech has been flooding the headlines worldwide. Ironical as it may seem, over the years I’ve developed an indifference and general numbness to college massacres in the United States. The killer profiles are disturbingly symmetrical, only the names and numbers have varied. But this week’s has struck like a thorn in the flesh because the perpetrator is an Asian.

Except for the common ethnicity, this man is as remote as any stranger. The initial anger I felt has diffused into a greater appreciation of family support and healthy growth both emotionally and mentally.

Hitting on the same theme, I need some enlightenment in hair and feet management. After committing countless painful blunders, I’m still the foolhardy gung-ho idiot as before. You would think a person who had to make do with penciled eyebrows after being tweezed bald and horrendous listless short mop of hair will be more cautious before subjecting her hair to the golden scissors. In the same note, you would expect a person who risked blister ulcers and an ATT injection (Absorbed Tetanus Toxoid, 破伤风) will learn to wear fitting shoes. But NO! She screwed up again.

With 13 blisters (11 new, 2 healing), my feet are contorted. My hair? It’s reduced to a pathetic curt mop. Damn it. When will I ever learn?