Drifter

I’ve listened to people discussing animatedly about their grand plans for the future. I didn’t contribute much because I do not know what I want exactly.

There must be something I’m good at just that I do not know what that is.

I’m a drifter wandering from one station to the next. It’s like walking aimlessly around shopping malls. Waiting.

Maybe I should run away though the probability of that materialising is as good as me running for presidency.

I’m uninterested, uninteresting, uninspired, uninspiring.

blink.

I bought myself a new notebook recently. It’s not much but it renewed my connectivity and communicability. I signed into to my dusty mailboxes, bursting at the seams with important mails and pushy ads (that claimed to increase my size by up to 10xxx and find me a mate from just a few blocks away for a hot nasty orgasmic experience). Not that I discriminate these ads but clearly, the marketers need to be more selective in their target customers. At least make sure they’re equipped with the right organs for the pills to act on.

An email entitled “What a modern woman wants” piqued my curiosity. How would a 15-year-old girl (the writer) perceived what we want? Perhaps it was because I had the time to spare or curiosity got the better of me, I read the story.

“She had everything a modern woman ever wanted; Money,
Status, Career, Love, Power and now, Freedom, without her mother and
her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down.”

Not everything, my dear Amanda.

If all our wants can be listed down succinctly, there would not be so many listless women paying hefty fees to attend self-discovery courses, subscribing to fashion magazines to keep to the most desired style, longing for the lives of their favourite movie/drama characters. I can safely say, not every modern woman knows what she wants. Many are faced with the dilemma of being the prescriptive modern woman or following our own heart’s desires.

Some would think at my age, I would know what I want. Let the truth be told, I don’t. Not always.

That doesn’t mean I’m unappreciative of my life and the people in it. In fact I enjoy my days and on the exceptional few days, I grumble about my lot. But that doesn’t fall out of normality. Most people behave like this. Just that, at the back of my mind, a little voice (maybe the id) will mock carelessly,”Is this it?”  And remind me of my secret fear of spending my entire life anonymously as a subdued, unknown entity.

I wish I’ve the answers. Until then, I shall exercise patience and intuition.

I’m not young anymore.

From You and I to We

It’s been a long while since the last post. (Note: This is becoming the default opening for my posts.)

A close friend, Chyan, is getting married in less than a month. I feel it’s so brave of her to take on the next step in life. What are the signs that prompt one to begin a married life with a significant other?

How do you gauge the certainty of a decision? The probability of your partner as a lifetime companion and soul mate?

Marriage is unlike excel, where absoluteness, certainty, accuracy, risk and possibilities can be calculated with logic and functions. The decision to marry is based as much on intangibles as well as tangibles. Intangibles such as compatibility, love and kinship. Tangibles like financial sounding and a drawn-up future.

I admit I’m not romantic idealist. I see marriage like the way I analyse balance sheet and profit & loss statement.

After I’ve ascertained a candidate as a lifetime partner, what goes next will be the detailed anaysis. Family background, personality, calibre, wealth – assets. Liabilities are of course, crucial to the equation. Goodwill accumulated with my family and closed ones are essential. How we can manage our differences and enhance our relationship – cost savings and synergy. Whether we can bear the adversities in life and share the joy. Can we support a family and welcome future little ones?

The last question that remains to be answered is, “Have I made a right decision?”

Like every eager shareholder, we’ll have to wait for the year-end profit.